📖 Raising Emotionally Strong Boys by David Thomas

Dear son, If one day you read this blog post, I hope you know that every book we read, every attempt to grow as a mother, came from my recognition of:

• how unprepared I was for everything that parenting truly entails,

• how important this responsibility entrusted to us really is.

• how I long for that sincere connection and close relationship with you :)

  And that the fact I write this blog does not mean we always followed every piece of advice to the letter, or that we have succeeded in all that we will mention below—in fact, we failed so many times! As parents, we are growing alongside you. After all... we've never done this before!

My prayer for those reading this post, and for ourselves, is that: while it is very important to invest time and effort into growing in our role as parents, we remember that it is God who sustains us each day, and that His grace is sufficient, especially in our (many) moments of weakness (2 Cor. 12:9).

We hope these tools from

David Thomas’s book “Raising Emotionally Strong Children” 

are a blessing for your families as well.

Although this book focuses on guiding boys specifically, many of its lessons also apply to raising girls.

The author begins by asking if we know Hulk, and whether we understand how he struggles with the tension of wanting to do well while simultaneously wrestling with intense emotions inside.

Doesn’t this tension sound familiar to you?… Doesn’t it exist in us as parents, as grown adults, and also in our children? It shouldn’t surprise us though! Sometimes it's easy to see how our kids are developing physically, but not so easy to remember that our kids are still developing mentally, emotionally, socially, spiritually! For them, a lot of things are "first times", or they are learning by trial and error, and that also means sometimes "learning the hard way".

One way we can help them develop emotionally is through the three Rs the author mentions:

1. Recognize – notice what’s happening or what happened. For example, pay attention to how their body signals an emotional response: Is their heart racing? Are their hands sweaty?

2. Regulate – learn strategies to calm the nervous system.

3. Repair – if the first two steps weren’t enough, once calm, take responsibility and act to repair any hurt relationships.

If you've struggled with challenging behaviors in your child—angry outbursts, disrespect, conflicts with siblings or peers—the author recommends "coaching" them (like training an athlete) so they learn to respond with the three Rs until it becomes a habit. The focus is on the child's heart, not just the behavior. The hard part? As parents, we should also practice and model recognition, regulation, and repair!

For a long time, culture taught boys and men that being “strong” meant ignoring or suppressing emotions. Showing sadness or fear, or asking for help, was seen as weak. Interestingly, anger was often the one emotion not repressed in TV Shows and movies' male characters—coaches, politicians, bosses, or fathers yelling, throwing things, or losing their temper was “normal” or even humorous.

We need to question these norms and look to an example truly worth following:

Jesus: Redefining Masculinity

Jesus' strength was rooted in compassion, mercy, and love. He demonstrated servant leadership by washing his followers' feet, shared life with close male friends, and celebrated women whom society had judged. He faced challenges and confrontation while maintaining integrity, dined with outcasts, and actively reached out to those in need. Jesus also experienced the full range of human emotions—sadness, anger, and disappointment—without compromising his character.

This is the role model we need to keep in mind and hearts, especially when raising boys who won't conform to the emotionally-suppressed, anger-prone characters dominating the media. Our role is to guide children not to keep emotions inside, or unleash them with no regrets, but to recognize them and respond with wisdom and love.

Key Milestones

When you read or hear the word milestones, what comes to mind? for mothers during the first years of life of our children might be things like: sitting up, crawling, standing, first steps, potty training, first words, learning letters, numbers, and so on.

As they grow and start school, we might think of: reading, writing and other academic achievements, being able to do things independently, graduations, etc. But how often do we think of key milestones related to emotional development?

David Thomas highlights four key milestones to help children develop emotional resilience:

1. Emotional vocabulary – It's fundamental that children learn to name their emotions. And this is related to the first R that the author mentions of Recognizing emotions.

   It's not enough to only use words like "angry" or "sad"; the more precise their vocabulary (for example: frustrated, worried, disappointed, impatient, excited, curious, surprised), the better they'll be able to communicate.

   
   

   

   Just like we sometimes put alphabet or number posters on our walls, emotional vocabulary is also super important!

   
   

2. Perspective – Teach children to distinguish big problems from small ones, ideally before emotions overwhelm them. Use 1–10 scales or examples to help them “zoom out.”

   
   

3. Empathy – Encourage active listening and model saying phrases like: “What I understand from what you’re saying is…,” “I wonder if what you need is…,” or “That sounds like it was really hard for you…”

   
   

4. Emotion-management resources – Immediate tools (breathing techniques, grounding exercises, etc.) and long-term outlets (journaling, sports, music, art) instead of aggression or isolation.

For instance, our son loves drawing! And we feel it helps him work through feelings too.

These milestones work together to help children face challenges with strength, compassion, and emotional balance.

"The Space" and "Anchoring"

Recalling the Hulk analogy, for boys, emotions often show up in physical ways—clenched fists, Hitting, punching walls or objects, kicking, stomping feet, throwing things, pacing or restless movement. Acknowledging this physical component of boys' emotions, Thomas recommends creating a safe space for them to self-regulate.

Because the author is from the U.S., he suggests making available a safe space at home/garage/backyard that would include big cushions, or balls, etc, where the boy(s) can go to release some of the overwhelming emotions.

But as we write from our much smaller apartments here in Asia, the "Space" at our place we can offer, is his bedroom. There, if he feels the need, he can hit a pillow, scream to the pillow (feeling really sorry for the pillow!). Other children might just need some quiet space, some paper and pencil to release some of that emotional intensity by drawing or writing.

We want him to know emotions are OK to feel and have, and that they should release and express them (not suppress them), but that they should do so in a way that: he doesn't hurt himself, damage things, or hurt other people.

This exercise, can strengthen the emotional muscle, and it's worth practicing not only in children but also in ourselves as adults. It'd be good for them to see how we go to our own “space” (whether that’s a walk, a swim, a run, writing, etc.) when we’re experiencing emotional intensity.

For this "Space" to work, we need to communicate to them clearly beforehand when they are not emotionally overwhelmed. And we need to make sure to clearly state that: going to the space is not punishment! It's giving them the time and space they need to regulate.

Providing the setting is so they can train their mind and know "where to go" physically when their bodies start to signal big emotions might turn in actions that they will regret.

By practicing this, they will eventually start associating: body signals ⇢ physically moving to some safe place ⇢ regulate ⇢ reflection / conversation / repairing

Because what is actually "natural" for many boys and it's quite the opposite of going to the "space" is

the habit of “Anchoring,” a pattern where boys see one of the parents or caregivers as the person they can cling onto to release overwhelming emotions.

When the boys are at younger ages, this might look like a toddler following mom around throwing a tantrum.

When they are older, it could be a very unhealthy argument that doesn't seem to get anywhere.

The danger here is that this can easily become a pattern, where one of the parents will be their receiving end of all of their emotions. And as they have not developed resources yet, they can get stuck swinging between guilt and shame, which hinders them from realizing the importance of ownership.

Example: A child breaks a friend’s toy.

(Note: in our perspective, this might not be a big deal and could be easily solved, but remember they are still learning to cope with situations such as this one and every time they go through similar issues will be adding to their understanding of how to handle their emotions)

• Guilt: My friend always throws it like that too! and he wanted me to play with it so it's his fault! It's not my problem the toy is so cheap!

• Shame: “I always break things… I’m useless… I’ll never have friends again.”

  
  

If the child gets stuck swinging between guilt and shame; and anchoring the outburst of their big emotions to one of the parents, and are not guided into some other way... The most likely result is that this pattern will repeat itself with other scenarios.

The Four-legged stool exercise

This is when the author introduces the illustration of a four-legged stool to demonstrate how crucial truth is in helping children process difficult situations.

This exercise can be used when the child is calm and ready to reflect. Timing is crucial, so don't go into this exercise too quickly! Using the same example above, you can ask the child (if you have a stool or chair to illustrate, even better! or you can draw it).

Start with some imaginative story-telling, add some humor to lighten the mood!

Ask him to image if we took three of the legs of the stool, or two, or even one, would you dare to sit or stand on it?

Now make him write (or continue to use drawings if he's too small) these four words:

1. Think

2. Feel

3. Do

4. Truth

We then ask them to describe what just happened in their own words for each of the four legs, using the same example from above, it would sound something like this:

1. Think - I broke my friend's toy so I don't think he will want to continue be my friend, he also plays really rough with it so it's his fault for borrowing it to me! It would have broken anyways, it's so cheap!

   
   

2. Feel - Afraid, worried, sad, ashamed

   
   

3. Do (or don't do)- I don't want to speak to my friend, I don't know what to do because I broke his toy. I don't want to apologize, he'll just get angry!

Without the stabilizing fourth leg of truth, the child remains stuck in their distorted perspective. This is where parents step in to provide that crucial support by asking good questions. This will help the child complete the picture (and train their mind to this for future situations):

4. Truth: You did break your friend's toy, uh? but did you do it on purpose or by accident? ... I see! so... this could happen to anyone!

   Next time, what would you do different to avoid breaking the toy? ... Right! being more gentle maybe?

   I can see you were feeling really sad and maybe worried, because you think he won't be able to forgive you... but do you think he values the toy more... or your friendship?

   So if you say sorry, do you think he will accept? If it's scary, you can practice with me what to say to him!

   And if it was you on the other end, what would help you feel better? perhaps you could offer to help repair it or offer a replacement for the toy?

   
   

   By adding this fourth leg of truth, parents can help the kid to transform this bad experience into an opportunity for growth, problem-solving, and deeper friendship.

   
   

Mother and son(s) relationship

“We have to allow the children we love to feel and experience difficult moments. Those challenges, combined with our support and empathy, will help them develop resilience and resources.”

This topic was very difficult for me personally, as a mom carrying all my own emotional baggage from childhood—coming in with good intentions but still reacting in ways that were aimed at making sure my son (and myself) went through as few “bad moments” as possible, instead of prioritizing what was really needed. Or wanting to be his main source of resources, when in reality, he needed to develop his own.

I had to learn to let go of the tug-of-war rope I was holding so tightly, under the false illusion that holding on meant that I was helping him, or that if I let go he wouldn’t be able to handle things on his own. But the truth is quite the opposite—sometimes we have to release the rope (with empathy and love) so that they can develop their own resources.

As my son grows (reaching those “double digits”), I am filled with hope that we can still be very close, but I also had to learn that the posture of that closeness has changed: from being in my arms, heart to heart, to holding hands, face to face, and slowly learning to let go… to eventually shifting into a relationship that’s perhaps shoulder to shoulder. I hope we will still have many embraces, of looking to each other in the eye, but it's good to respect their need for change as they grow.

This new posture may mean that now we connect in other ways: going on walks, having late-night conversations, sharing a snack he enjoys, and so on.

Relationship with Their Fathers

One thing the author highlights is how important it is for boys to see the men in their lives —their dad, grandfathers, uncles— showing them that they don’t have to do life alone. These men can model what it looks like to have strong friendships, to talk openly, and to lean on others instead of trying to be self-sufficient all the time.

It’s also powerful for boys to witness men expressing emotions in healthy ways and making things right when they mess up. That’s just as much a lesson as any talk we could give.

At the end of the day, our job isn’t to be the anchor for their emotions—whether mom, dad, or someday a girlfriend or wife—but to gently point them to the One who is available 24/7. Like Paul reminds us:

"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything… Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand." (Philippians 4:6–7)

Final Thoughts

During pregnancy and those early months of nursing (when I spent hours sitting and reading articles 😅), I kept up with all the physical needs: what to feed the baby, how many naps they should have, how to encourage walking or talking…

But how I wish someone had told me then: “yes, that matters, but you also need to prepare emotionally, and work on healing your own family wounds.”

Because of course, children need good nutrition and rest, but there are other, less visible needs too: moments of connection, play, downtime, and inner reflection to learn how to handle emotions.

Dr. Daniel J. Siegel calls this the “seven ingredients of a healthy mind” (like a balanced plate of food, but for mental well-being):

• Sleep time → Recharging mind and body with enough rest.

• Physical time → Moving the body and activating the brain.

• Focus time → Engaging in something challenging that sparks learning and creativity.

• Playtime → Exploring, having fun, being spontaneous.

• Connecting time → Nurturing relationships with meaningful people.

• Down time → Letting the mind rest from constant stimulation.

• Time-in → Reflecting, praying, talking with God ❤️ or simply noticing what’s happening inside.

If your child is going through a tough season... this book (Raising Emotionally strong boys by David Thomas) can help, we highly recommend reading it, especially as there are still so many details we didn't cover here. If you don't have time to read the whole book, we do hope this summary and highlights of tools helped you!

After reading this, a good place to start is thinking about how to best apply these tools in your own family dynamics. While reading it, we discovered at one stage we were struggling with anchoring, or the swinging between shame and blame; and at other times maybe we needed to put more attention to a deficit in certain “ingredients” of the healthy platter—more sleep, more connection, or more time for reflection and prayer.

Whatever the case, our job as parents is not always to rescue or step in when we’re already exhausted. It’s to walk alongside them, to help them develop resources and tools to navigate their emotions, and to prepare them for the challenges of today and those yet to come.

We certainly don’t write this because everything is figured out in our family. Far from it! We’re still on the journey, and while these books certainly are God-sent and incredibly helpful... our hope doesn't rest on these strategies or parenting methods—our hope rests in the truth that God is the one who sustains us. Without His love, peace, and mercy, we simply wouldn’t be able to do this!... 💜